June 1, 2009

001. “i don’t know where i belong”

Wait… where am I? I’ve sat here many times with tears wondering where my life has gone. 

Was I right to have done this and not that? Did I make the right choice to stay and not go? What about the people I have chosen to let in… should I have let in who I’ve let in, let the people who’ve walked out do just that?

For the longest time I’ve half-believed that “sometimes you’ve got to get lost to find yourself”. But for how long, for how damn long? Cos I look at the people around me, and they’ve all got their lives going. Sometimes they say they don’t have it all together, really. But at least they’ve got at least some idea of who they are or where they’re headed or at least where they want to be. And here I am, somehow having strayed so far from any path, veered so far off the tracks that i’m not gonna find a way back or a way forward or a way anywhere really.

I mean, it’s one thing to feel temporarily disengaged from all the happenings, and another to feel permanently detached from the world. I know we’re not supposed to live in the whatifs, but sometimes its like I’m sitting around late at night and my mind takes on a life of its own. Imagining what life would be like if I had done this and not that at this point and another until I’ve got this mindmap-esque chart mapping out all the possibilities of what could have been if I had just done something differently. And every time that happens, the vision is so real that I’m convinced that that’s the road I chose to take, not the one I actually did… until morning comes, and then:

Wait… where am I?

And the answer is always the same: Here. Here am I.

Same place as I have been for the past three and a half years, with tears, wondering where my life has gone.